Some of you know, and some of you don't, how different my life is from this time last year until now.
Now you might be thinking okay Casey we get it... you moved across the country, but actually that is not what feels so different, it feels like one of the smallest and easiest things I have done in my life... because it makes me happy and I by nature a ridiculously happy and positive person. So no that is not what I am talking about....
Some of you know that it has been exactly one year since I decided I was going to change my life. I decided I had control. I decided I wasn't going to take anyones shit anymore! I decided to remember who I am and I decided I was WORTH IT.
Because it is November I think it is appropriate that I am so thankful for my journey and want to share it with you as well as a few other things I am thankful for.
The story I am about to tell is about when someone loses their self.
Prior to November last year I had lost myself to a negative environment. Believe it or not this can be just as draining and self-destructive as any type of addictive behavior. I believe the strength and growth I learned can be applied to any situation where a person feels stuck and is losing their own identity, which is why I want to share such a personal story.
This time last year my life had just undergone some major changes. The thing with change is you don't always know when or where it actually starts. It may have been in the previous weeks, or months, maybe even a years. All I know is I had been building my strength, I didn't know it but I was.
Kind of like a flower there were many steps that I had to take and did not know how or when or even if I was taking them. I didn't know I was a flower let alone what kind of flower I would become. Maybe, before this I thought I was a weed... I donno. Now I am not the person I was then. Much like a flower I didn't and still don't know how I got planted where I was.... Let me tell you one thing I began to realize I was planted in a whole lot of shit! Prior to that fall I was living with a negative mind, the people around me were negative, I had a negative out look on my self image everything was just negative. Which is totally out of line with what I have felt like my mission in life is about. I hadn't realized I was in deep dark shit! But that is the first step... if it looks like, smells like, acts like shit.... it is shit! And in some weird way that was when I saw the first hope of light!
At first I thought okay maybe I can grow here in this shit and make it better... try and try as I did the shit was still shit.
So I decided I was going to grow, there were many steps in my growing process before I could rise up out of the crumby foundation I was in. That was my next step, realizing I needed out. Suddenly I knew, I knew I had to. I knew I wanted and could be more.... At first I thought if only I can get my head out, then I will be okay.... What I did not know was once I grew a little I would see the beauty in everything. Once out of the dark, I would want to keep growing. The more I grew the more strength I got! Just like a flower! I was creating my own path to the light.
I still don't know how much I will grow or how I will blossom, all I know is that I have left the dark yucky stinky shit behind and the sky is now my limit.
As I write this I am filled with so many emotions. So many things run through my mind: how did I not grow sooner, how could I have not fought for my own light, HOW WAS I SO NOT ME!
I cannot imagine how my friends and family must have felt. I have been truly blessed to have such supportive loving people in my life. It must have been so weird to see me SO not myself!
Being where I am now it is hard to look back. I can't imagine living that way, I can't imagine feeling that alone, dark and cold.
Happiness feels you with light and warmth and makes you want to share it with others, and I never want to lose that feeling again.
I am chasing my dreams, not afraid to show who I am. Not afraid to love and to give.
Gosh this is hard, as I sit here I can feel the gap of who I was and who I am now, it is hard to imagine that that was me. My eyes start to fill with tears at just the thought of ever feeling that much negativity again, but now I feel strength and security in who I am which allows me to be able to talk about this and is the reason I want to share this.
If there is anyone who reads this and feels alone I want them to know: that there is light, that they may have to make their own path, that they are strong enough, that their is happiness out there for them, that they are WORTH IT!
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Everyone is worth positivity and happiness.
Maybe its not you but you know someone who is in a dark place here is my advice:
Tell them you think they deserve better than the choices and the people they are currently choosing.
Tell them you will be there if they ever want help.
Tell them you care about them
That will do more then anything else.
I am so thankful for the friends and family would did this for me.
I am thankful for those who believed in me and in some way or another helped me realize I had more potential then I was allowing myself to have.
I am thankful for those who helped me see choices.
I am thankful for those friends who did walk away too, because with out their absence I would not have realized how alone my environment was making me.
I am thankful for my brothers.... yes I said plural
My real brother, who came to me with the most honest, open genuine concern. It was not until my brother who rarely gives his opinion on how I should live opened his mouth did I open my eyes.
My roommate brother, who was there for me and made me get out of bed and eat and run and laugh and not go to bed too early on my hardest days.
My track brothers Luis and Brandon, I know our time together was short but the kindness and warmth you showed me in our trip to europe reminded me that people can be caring, passionate about their goals, and still have a great time. I will always cherish complaining about Davos ,even though it is one of the most amazing places I have ever been, and coach, who truly is a gift to runners.
I am thankful for all of you who visit my website and let me share with you pieces of me!
I love you all!